Throughout my "saga' I searched for the "why." What I've realized in just the past couple of weeks is that - without the "saga" - I would not have gone back to consulting nor would I be enjoying the personal satisfaction and professional success that I am today. Additionally, while I always knew that I had great friends, as well as the love, encouragement and the prayer's of my large extended family, I know that my personal priorities would not be the same as they are today. There was a lesson to be learned and, in my opinion, the biggest was recognizing, appreciating and giving thanks to the people in my life. With love and appreciation, Mike
October 21, 2006
Patty and Katie,
I realize that I owe both of you a call; but, to be honest, I haven’t been up to talking about my personal life lately since it does nothing but make me feel down. As it is, Don, Bruce, Wilson and a couple of other friends have left one or more messages the past couple of week; however, lately, I’m just sick and tired of talking my life (or rather lack thereof) so I drop them a quick e-mail acknowledging their voicemail and thank them for the call. For me, the past 4+ years I’ve worked (hard) to put up a good front and positive face to everyone; however, I’ve hit a wall and I just can’t get into conversations where I’m trying to convince someone else that things are going good – in spite of all the bad news around me.
When we lost the malpractice case in April and I learned that the $370,000 I lost in income (as a result of only being able to work 13 of the 52 months my drama wore on) and the more than $40,000 in co-pays (for surgeries, hospitalizations, prescriptions and physical therapy) would never be re-paid to me, I also realized that the lawyers couldn’t do anything about the $73,000 in unpaid medical bills that Blue Cross denied in the fall of 2002. (This was when they figured out I had a staph infection and found the abscess covering much of my spine; thus, they conducted the second - of seven - surgeries and then laid me out in ICU hooked up to a plethora of IV antibiotics as they tried to identify the strain of staph that I had contracted).
At any rate, during this time, the medical provider’s that treated me did not comply with the terms of the provider agreement they had with Blue Cross (that clearly stated that “all charges must be submitted within 180 days” or they have no obligation to pay); therefore, after nearly three years of bickering between the parties, a collection agency calls me just before the last surgery in the spring of 2005 to state that I owed them $73,000. In trying to get to the bottom of the entire matter, the provider’s refused to speak with me and instead sent me a copy of a consent form I had signed when I was in ICU that clearly states “if for any reason your insurance carrier does not pay, you will be held responsible for payment in full.”
If all that wasn’t bad enough, I was faced with re-paying all my attorney’s out-of-pocket expenses, as well as all of the legal fees for the defense team that, according to my lawyer, are in excess of $200,000 (they have up to a year to file suit against me demanding full payment). Since all of this occurred at the very time I trying to start the business, I simply chose not to think about any of it (because, when I did, it left my completely paralyzed); therefore, I instead chose to focus on the positive (i.e. the business) and in getting stronger.
After focusing on the business for the entire summer, I came to the full realization that my “positive foot forward” approach had played itself out, or rather I hit a wall. It got to the point by the end of the summer that simply reading a sad story in the newspaper, or hearing about it on the radio, was leaving me in tears for a half hour. So, I FINALLY acquiesced (or rather listened to my many friends) and signed a contract with an attorney two weeks to start bankruptcy proceedings.
As the lawyer has described it to me, I'll get out of all debt and be able to move on by April; although, between now and then there will be many hurdles and lots of forms/paperwork. At least when it's over, I'll be able to re-plug in my landline and answer the phone again. As for the business, while it started out with a "bang", it's slowed down a bit as I was only able to bill 10 hours for last week; however, I still remain optimistic that this endeavor will succeed. At present, I have four "active" clients with Jack's company (in Phoenix) being the biggest one as he is getting ready to open an 80 person call center and is naming me his outsourced" head of HR.
During this "down time" I’ve been working with a college student in developing a “real” web site (as opposed to the tired one I have now). I’ve also joined a couple of networking groups and - with Jack's clout (i.e. his direct mail market researching company), we’re developing a mass mailing that targets small to medium sized employer's in Southern California that will be sent out right after the Holiday's (when new "budgets" are allocated). I also recently interviewed for a “real job” (leaving this door wide open); however, as I feared, they asked me why there were these huge gaps in my employment history for the past 4.5 years. While they can’t ask me if I was disabled, it’s simply impossible to tap dance around the issue without informing them what has actually happened. Moreover, my bosses at both Hartford and DivX are two of my professional references and I’m sure that - following a candid conversation with each of them – the topic will come up. The fact is, as an HR professional, I wouldn’t hire me given the fact that I’ve been on medical leave/disability 39 of 52 months (I also wouldn’t date me given the enormous amount of baggage I bring to the table; but, that’s an entirely different matter relating to no self-esteem). At any rate, while pursuing a “real job” remains a possible option, I just haven’t figured out how to “sell” what has happened since the spring of 2002.
Physically, I'm doing pretty well. While I have chronic pain 70% of the time, I've been working with an acupuncturist a couple times a week and after one of those sessions I am pain free for two days. However, after two days at the computer or one work out routine at the gym, I'm back to muscle relaxers and Ibuprophen. So, it seems like one step forward followed by a step and a half backwards. In the end, I didn’t disclose any of this in an effort to illicit sympathy; instead, I wanted to convey openness that I customarily do not with Mom. I know how much she worries; therefore, I’ve kept many details (like the two times I was told that things “didn’t look good..” and I should “get my affairs in order) from her and put on a positive face. Since my brothers and sisters relied on Mom for nearly all of the details relating to my health, you were getting a much filtered perspective.
FYI - I NEVER Disclosed how close I was to death (twice, when the antibiotics were not working I was told to “get your affairs in order..”), thus, I consistently “watered down” what the doctor was actually telling me when talking with Mom. The only one’s who knew what was actually going on were those that were close to me (and, unfortunately, no one if the family qualified for that designation). In fact, if I had died, I had asked Don to explain to the family why I kept so many details from them (because, other than Mom, no one else ever asked and there was nothing Mom could do but worry more and – more importantly – cause me greater consternation). In short, I felt telling Mom any of the “scary” details would put guilt on me; therefore, I consistently put on a “happy face” and made the best out of every situation.
At the end of the day, it was only those friends who called, visited, expressed genuine concern by asking direct questions that got the entire unfiltered truth – which probably also explains why they were so protective and visited so often. In fact, as I look back on it, the only good thing to come out of the past 4.5 years has been the realization that I have wonderful, loving and supportive friends. Whoever thought that someone like Bruce del Solar would become a Mother Hen? Calling after each doctor appointment wanting to know the very latest details. For him, however, I think what I went through drew parallels with his own accident 25 years ago during. At that time, he had just moved to Milwaukee and was staying with my roommates and me on Maryland Avenue. Suffice it to say, I was “there” for him (at probably the worse time of his life) and so he wanted (more than anything) to be there for me.
At any rate, back to the family, while I truly appreciated Mom’s sincere desire to come out and help me after the various hospitalizations, it was quite stressful. Due to the tight turn in takes to get into my garage, she was unable to pull the car into (or out of the garage) and my neck braces didn’t allow me to do it; and, even though the drive to the grocery store is only 8 blocks away and my physical therapy appointments a mere three miles away, she would usually make a wrong turn and get lost (we all know how she hates to drive in downtown Chicago and the Southern California highways are no picnic either). On one occasion, she went out for a walk and after not hearing from her in a couple of hours, I got very worried. It turned out that she was lost and had a very difficult time finding her way back. So, in all honesty, I truly appreciated her outstanding efforts with all of the cooking and cleaning, I was able to move around the apartment myself (short of turning my neck) so cooking was not difficult; instead, it was the running around that I needed help with (i.e. the pharmacy, the grocery store, doctor’s appointments, physical therapy etc., - which I tried more than once to explain to Tommy); therefore, in the end, our “road trips” were extremely stressful for both of us.
In the end, Mom’s coming her was more of a way to calm and reassure her than is was to “help me out.” Tommy refused to accept or understand this as a legitimate reason why I tried to discourage Mom from coming to San Diego. I explained on multiple occasions that having Mom here created more stress for me than not having her here. I truly needed someone who could get park my car, remember where the grocery store was and could get me to/from P.T. without difficulty.
The other thing that I never disclosed to any of you, which also explains my frustrating e-mail about their move to the assisted living facility, is that during Mom’s last visit in June of 2005 we went out for a nice dinner on her last night in town and had the most emotional - yet open - conversation we’ve ever had. And, while she certainly talked at length about how difficult it was living with (and caring for) Dad, she also expressed other frustrations and disappointments. In short, not to put words in her mouth, it was my perception that – short of Tommy – she wasn’t receiving the emotional support she would have liked from the rest of the family. At the time, she also expressed some regret with leaving the home she spent five years redecorating; a place where she could entertain the entire family; and where there has plenty of room for overnight guests (i.e. me). Although, all things considered, she thought that selling the house was probably the best solution given the circumstances. It was at that point where she broke down in tears. In the end, it was my perception that she was not happy with the way things were going in her life; however, she also felt like she had any choice in the matter and that’s what got me upset and triggered the e-mail that I send
November 25, 2006
As for the situation with Tommy, to be honest, it has not been one of my top three concerns or challenges so I truly haven’t given it much consideration. While I respect and admire the way he has helped Mom out (especially when she had back surgery); however, for too long our relationship has been on “his terms” and I’m done with it. In the late 80’s and early 90’s, Tommy and I had grown quite close; I knew and liked his friends who made frequent weekend trips to KC for parties or other special events. However, his world (outside of the family) changed dramatically once Luis was in the picture. He has not seen or spoken to all of those wonderful friends he had – including the roommate he had for nearly ten years; however, I do still communicate with many of them. His friend Jack (who owned the house in Brookfield, IL) moved to Palm Springs a couple of year ago and he and I get together either when he is down here or I’m up there. In conversations with Jack and Tommy’s former roommate Bob (who is also friends with my friend Michael Mammina as they both are active member in Unity Church of Chicago) no one can figure out why Tommy has chosen to cut them out of his life – particularly given the fact that these were the guys he owned that trailer with in Saugatuck; they were all so close and then “nothing”… he dropped them all like a hot potato.
As I’m sure I’ve expressed, the time I have spent with Tommy and Luis (when I’m in Chicago since they’ve NEVER made a visit to see me) has been awkward. They only socialize with Luis’ friends and extended family - all of whom prefer to speak Spanish; therefore, when I’ve been present, rather than make an attempt to include me in conversation, they all talk in Spanish and laugh with one another while I sit there like a bump on a log. Moreover, when my friend Michael Mammina or Don & Greg have invited Tommy and Luis into their homes for brunches, parties and/or dinners (as more of an effort to help mend fences between Tommy and I more than anything else) they have declined.
Having been in Chicago many times over the years for Gay Pride, Michael Mammina’s annual Pride brunch (from his 32nd floor Lake Shore condo overlooking the entire parade route, downtown and Lake Michigan) is one of the highlights of that weekend. In the years before Luis, Tommy and his friend always attended. However, even though Michael has invited Tommy & Luis each year, they’ve never attended.
So, the issue with him and I is pretty complicated. I’m not willing to sit around a room with only Spanish speaking people and “pretend” we’re still close brothers and he’s made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with the countless overtures his “x” friends, my friends and I have made over the years. Sadly, it’s not so much Luis “controlling” the social itinerary as much as it is Tommy constantly wanting to “please” Luis and leaving all decisions to him. I’m willing to bet the farm that if Luis didn’t place such a high priority on “family” and wasn’t so close to his own family (particularly his Mother), our family wouldn’t be a priority for Tommy (or rather Luis that is). In short, if Luis does not want to do something, they don’t do it. Tommy won’t so much as leave their condo if Luis is not with him and that’s what’s driven this wedge. His (former) friends would never confront him; however, when I was lying in that hospital bed on Christmas Eve of 2003, I couldn’t hold back my opinions any longer.
I explained – at length – that getting on a plane and going to Chicago was not an option and that his “recommendation” (or solution) to have Mom come out here would only cause me more stress. I further stated that if he was truly concerned about my well being, why doesn’t he get on a place and come here for that week between Christmas and New Year’s. After all, he “usually” spent three weeks every Christmas with Luis’ family in Mexico; however, that particular year, Luis had to work this year so it would be the perfect time for him to make a trip to San Diego. However, because of his obvious insecurities in his relationship with Luis (which I questioned outright for the first time), he responds by lashing out at me stating that I’m “selfish”. By his sudden demeanor, tone and outright anger, I knew that I had hit a nerve. As a defense mechanism, he would rather project his own actions onto someone else rather than look at how he has treated those he “was” close to (before Luis entered the picture).
To make matters worse, the ONLY time he has reached out to me (short of that wonderful e-mail he sent to everyone last month) was a frantic and tearful call for me to drive down to Tijuana, put Luis in my trunk and bring him back into the country. It was that phone call that made me fully realize how (almost insanely) dependent he is on Luis. I, on the other hand, was thinking “where do you get off calling me for a favor after refusing to talk with me for so long?” I’ve literally begged him for a live conversation but he has refused and instead has chosen to send twisted, distorted and fabricated e-mails that attempt to justify his stance without ever taking one degree of responsibility for where we are today which, in my opinion, is classic passive/ aggressive behavior masking (or concealing) basic insecurities; although, what took this to a new higher level for me was when I revealed confidences I had shared with him and no one else.
By sharing confidences, he raised the stakes of our relationship (or lack thereof) to new levels. To begin with, the manner in which he did so was hurtful, filled with spite and was nothing more than an effort to make me look bad, change the subject and further move the root cause of our disagreement; therefore, to be honest, we will NEVER be close again. How would you respond to someone you’ve confided some of your most intimate life events to and they then turn around years later and use that information against you? In my world, that person would cease being any friend of mine. It’s obvious that he will sacrifice virtually anything to justify his relationship and how he treats (or rather mistreats) those who question “why?” However, his betrayal of my confidences is 10 times worse than refusing to leave Luis for a week and help to take care of me. Truthfully, if he doesn’t realize how badly he has hurt me and apologize (which will never happen), I truly don’t care if I EVER see him again.
In my opinion, it’s really sad that someone is so short sided and tunnel visioned; and, God forbid for one reason or another that Tommy & Luis don’t remain together. Tommy will have absolutely no friends or a support network of his own that he can rely on which, as we all know, is one of the things I value more than anything else God has given me. So, while the name calling and swearing is something I deeply regret and I continue to hold the door open for a live conversation, he’s not going to change his stance (it’s way too frightening and scary for him to question why he’s made the choices he has when it comes to Luis) and I refuse to “pretend” everything is fine. As a result, we’re at any impasse that I hold no hope for (he’s too much like Dad!). He appears to the outside world as a caring, concerned and attentive Christian that drives old ladies to church and then comes home to beat the shit out of his oldest son for questioning religion. It was those very contradictions that I would throw into Dad’s face as he beat me – just as I did Tommy from my hospital bed in December 2003. The apple may hide itself better when it falls from the tree but it remains VERY close to the roots (by screaming, yelling, changing the facts and trying to discredit the one asking the questions).
February 12, 2007
After obtaining the e-mail about Kailtin’s mole from Mom on Sunday night (following a phone conversation in which she asked me why I hadn’t read the e-mail that Katie sent to the “entire family”), I realized I should probably never expect the things I’ve wanted to badly all of these years. When Julie was ill and undergoing surgery a year or two back, Stephen sent out e-mail updates to everyone - except me (so Mom would forward them on). I never made mention of it but that hurt me deeply. Just as the e-mails about the various long term facilities that Stephen and others were helping Mom and Dad to explore, or those from other family members that everyone except me obtained.
However, in all honesty, what hurt most was those hundreds of “personal updates” I sent before Spring of 2002 and then the dozens (and dozens) of e-mails I sent during my “ordeal” where no one could ever even hit “reply” and muster up a three word response “thinking of you.” Did you know that Neither Jack or Stephen have EVER called or e-mailed me?? In spite of literally hundreds of e-mails??
In conclusion, there are many things that happened in that house on Quincy Street that (apparently) only I remember; although, I think that Tommy’s “dysfunctional behavior” would indicate that he too carries some of the scars and perhaps even Jack (ever why the three of us have obviously had “issues?”). While it would do not good to exercise those demons now (I did so through the 10 years of therapy I endured in my 20’s and 30’s); although, suffice it to say, those demons still plague me in various ways (such as seeking approval and love from family members).
I guess what’s influenced my relationship with family members more than anything else is my consistent (and never ending) pursuit of “openness”… trying to open various dialogues and allow people to “be themselves” and actually talk about the elephant in the middle of the room. After many, many years of therapy, I find being around the family and “pretending” to be so damaging to my self-esteem, self-image and general well being that I actually avoid it. After each visit, I fall into a deep depression and have trouble concentrating. As a result, I have to be in a “good place” when I make family visits and, as we all know, I wasn’t in a good place when I came out for Mom’s 70th in November of 2005.
Therefore, given that I’m knee deep in bankruptcy proceedings, I’m still bed ridden with the latest herniated disk and that Tommy’s obvious “position” or “opinion” of me will be omnipresent in the next visit I make, I won’t be making any trips for a very, very long time; however, I’d welcome e-mails and phone calls. I hope this letter hopes to clarify my perceptions and provide you much needed insight into where I’m coming from. Take care and love to the kids, Mike
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